Experiencing the "me"

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. – Anais Nin

I recently read this quote via Brainpickings.org. You know how one thing leads you to another and then that thing leads you to a thing you were looking for but didn't know it? That is what happened here and what happens to me on a daily basis. I'm grateful for that. I've been thinking in terms of this quote and how I "am" in the experience of being me and how I might incorporate that into my art more consciously. 

A lot of time has been spent thinking about vulnerability and how to allow myself to be vulnerable. Just thinking about it causes such a panic in me and my gut burns. Do I ever allow myself to be vulnerable? I'm no sure. That is terribly sad to me. To be real, present and open with someone who might reject me, hurt me, anything...hmm.

I woke up feeling very low. I couldn't sleep in the early morning hours. I had an insane list of undone items streaming through my head like the Star Wars intro. 

I feel guilty a lot. I don't work hard enough. I don't work on "my" work hard enough. I''m not pushing myself enough. I'm lazy. I'm never going to do anything, be anything. This is another stream of thinking most of which occurs in the wee hours of the morning. 

Why are mornings so hard for me? I love the dim quiet of the morning. The cool crisp air that is inviting and renewing. And yet it is usually filled with panic and anxiety and a stomach full of discontent.

I'm not ashamed to note that I did fix myself a two egg scramble with cheese and avocado and toast with butter and plum jam...and a double espresso latte. I did walk Petita in park around the lake. I did notice and smile at other people. I did feel the wet grass beneath my shoes. I did do a lot. Life could be worse.